The Medicine machine

A man is telling his friend that he has to go to the doctors for a check-up and his friend says "why don't you go to the medicine machine?".

He soon explains to the man that you sinply put £1 into the machine, give it a urine sample and the machine will then give you a remedy.

The next day the man does this. He gives a urine sample and the machine spits out a piece of paper saying " you have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water"!

The man is amazed and decides to trick the machine so he mixes his wife's urine with his daughter and then adds his own speciman into it.

He takes it to the machine the next day and it spits out a piece of paper saying " your wife's having an affair with the milkman, your daughter's pregnant and if you keep doing what your doing your elbow will never get better"!

After 2 years together my girlfriend still gets angry when I use her toothbrush ... If anyone nose a better way to get shit of the bottom of your shoe am all ears !!!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over to your place after while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

A police Man pulled Me over and said:

Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of Your Land Rover several miles back?"

To which I replied:

Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,

'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and

cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer,

and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub,

(because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the

Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leave

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,

please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie,

and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,

please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right

out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his

throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says,

'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll

love it.'

'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion

Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the

toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who

has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,

floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese

Toastie.

Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham

and Cheese Toasties.

You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause The rabbit said...

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

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